The past couple of years have been spent searching. Searching for something that even if I was to explain, I would probably not have the words.
Time. I thought there was a future where I would have found this self for which I was looking. I had to go through a phase or a sequential process to get to get there. I kept looking at my past to define what is or what is not my future.
I had pointers or labels. This self had to be a certain way. I had to think, speak, behave within a pre-set framework. Those that are enlightened have qualities which I will also have once I get there.
The tools, I chose the tools for the task. Books, YouTube videos, schools, crystals, stones, meditation…I was going to DO this!
An analogy that best describes what I went through is a GPS, I entered the (precise) location of where I was and then asked for directions to the same location. Those who have ever used a GPS will know the creative routes that can be the output to such a request. To add to the concept of looking for myself, I added restrictions to the search.
When I say “the search is over”, one may think I have found that which I was looking. Finding is an implication of having found what was lost, misplaced or been apart. It may also imply that the search was given up. In my case the latter is more applicable.
I have not found anything or anyone. Nothing was ever lost, no one was ever anywhere else except NOW & HERE.
I can’t nor do I care much to go into why one would start a search for themselves (even this line sounds odd).
There is an obvious truth that underlies all of this article, I was very “creative”, I managed to create myself in a state and a time away from the present. I placed myself in the past as a villain and in the future as a hero. The drama of the “life” I was creating was a wonderful movie to keep me occupied. I was kept entertained by the prospect of emerging in the end as my own messiah.
From whom am I being saved? When is this future? Is there a sequel?
Every moment of life was just the sequel of the previous, a never ending loop in my mind of what was and what could be. Surprisingly it is within this play that at some point during an interlude/costume change/load shedding, even if for a moment of a forgotten line or a stumble over a prop, that the acting stops . The character ceases to exist, no rehearsed lines, no pre-determined plot, just you. A realisation that you are not the character. That moment may bring one to know themselves or for some to straight back into character.
The play will not stop!
Those that choose to know themselves may choose to leave the stage and return as new characters or stay in the same role, but bring to the stage a renewed energy a performance more aligned with themselves, a performance that is not out of character. A performance that will resonate with their deeper selves and will be clear for all to see.
Trust the process
Remember, You are Love, and You are Loved.