Traumas and Suppressed Emotions

Even when nothing is happening, there is a lot that is going on. in our heads there is always some or other process. Thoughts are about the past, present and future. We are trying to solve past problems or just imagining unrealised scenarios.

In the past few years I have experienced life from a perspective that I ignored for the first 35 years of my life. In my youth I always thought life was happening to me. I took no responsibility for any of the “negativity”. Someone else was always to blame for the “Bad and Ugly”.

How aware are you of your traumas and suppressed emotions? How would you like us to work through them? I ask so that when you project that shit on me I know what the fuck I’m dealing with

I can not detach myself from all of my experiences, including the fact that I was born to black parents in the 80’s, i lived in the rural area of SA,….all those circumstances led me to this point. Nothing was a mistake or was supposed to be any other way.

What we call traumas and suppressed emotions are how we react to the circumstances we encounter. We each have a choice, once we become aware, to see things as they are and not as we want them to be. This process of unseeing the good, the bad and the ugly is how we deal with what we think are negative experiences.

There are so many ways that we go through this process, some of us meditate, some talk, some think, some commit suicide,…none of which are wrong or right in my opinion. They are all choices we make based on the circumstances at the time.

Ultimately it is all just another game, “Fear Factor” it is just how you react to what you think you will lose. The more you think there is at stake for you, the more you suppress. Your expectations of life, built from all that has come before, do not allow you to be fully expressive of your current self.

On a personal note, my earliest traumas were my parents not being around. I thought they were neglegting me. I had no comprehension of why I felt alone so much. Why was my dad never around. Why did I stay with my Grand Aunt, Why was I shipped to boarding school at 9 years old, why was i taken from a school with then one of the best education. Why I was never told I was loved!!! In hind sight i get it, I get it all. My dad was working in a mine somewhere in Gauteng, My mother was still studying and needed help from her aunt because my Grand Mother (her mother) was bed ridden due to a stroke. I went to boarding school because I=it was the best option for me to get the best education and my parents lived 80Km away. I was taken away from the school as punishment for not snitching on the kids who stole at boarding school. I was never told I was loved because my parents knew how to love, and not how to say it!!!

In more recent times those traumas have manifested in my own romantic relationships, I was my parent’s child. I was emotionally closed off, I preferred peace over confrontation, Silence over expression, Sarcasm over honesty. I exaggerated every trauma that I ever went through and projected it onto every person who crossed my path. I thought that was the way I would feel good. At least I was not the only one feeling that way. I was creating copies of myself in everyone.

This all came to a screeching halt when I almost killed myself over a relationship. The fear of losing so much that I had invested, I gave her everything, I risked it all just for her, how could she do this to me. That low was my ultimate high, what we call depression was ultimately my release.

One of my favourite conversations is in “The Matrix Revolutions” and it shows how one can know exactly what they are doing without knowing why. We then fight ourselves about something that we have done.

The Oracle: You have the sight now, Neo. You are looking at the world without time.
Neo: Then why can’t I see what happens to her?
The Oracle: We can never see past the choices we don’t understand.
Neo: Are you saying I have to choose whether Trinity lives or dies?
The Oracle: No. You’ve already made the choice, now you have to understand it.
Neo: No, I can’t do that. I won’t.
The Oracle: You have to.
Neo: Why?
The Oracle: Because you’re The One.
Neo: What if I can’t? What happens if I fail?

Live in this moment like there is no other. Without ignoring your experiences, free yourself from the unchangeable past and unrealised future. I had to realise that losing everything was a choice I had already made, I did not know nor understand that the loss was in itself discovery.

I now know that when I make choices it is with a better understanding of my present self, I have no regrets because I believe every choice is made consciously (either way i cant change it). I am myself and i will express my being fully.

You are Love and You are Loved.